(SPLICEDwire used to be called Movieolla)

Some years ago, a few television producers realized that awards shows are cash cows. Big stars will show up if they know they're going to win, big stars draw big ratings, and big ratings draw big advertisers with big bucks to burn on their silly little ceremonies.

Now that everyone from MTV to Blockbuster Video are in the awards racket, it's become almost impossible to take any of these awards seriously. So I figured, why not toss out a few of my own in categories that are a little more fun? What were the weirdest sex scenes in 1997? What were the best movies nobody saw? Who made movies just to stroke their egos?

Thus, the 1997 Movieolla Awards, at least as useless and twice as honest as anything those jerks can make up:




(SPLICEDwire used to be called Movieolla)

The best movies NOBODY SAW:
"ALL OVER ME"
"TOUCH"
"CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION"
"WILD AMERICA"


ROOKIES of the year:
VICTOIRE THIVISOL in "Ponette"
DJIMON HOUNSOU in "Amistad"


Best ENSEMBLE casts:
"AS GOOD AS IT GETS"
"WAITING FOR GUFFMAN"


Best BAD movie:
"ANACONDA"


Biggest LETDOWNS:
"FACE/OFF"
"FATHER'S DAY"

Best REVIVAL:
The "STAR WARS" trilogy, of course


Best uncredited CAMEO:
MEL GIBSON as a pierced punk in "Father's Day"


CHAMELEON of the year:
SAMUEL L. JACKSON for
"Hard 8," "187,""Eve's Bayou," "Jackie Brown"


Best FUN DATE movies:
"MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING"
"CHASING AMY"


Best SERIOUS DATE movie:
"THE PILLOW BOOK"


Most ROMANTIC movie:
"THE LITTLE MERMAID"


Stock going UP:
JOEY LAUREN ADAMS thanks to "Chasing Amy"
MATT DAMON thanks to "Good Will Hunting"
BEN AFFLECK thanks to "Chasing Amy" & "Good Will Hunting"
UNKNOWN AUSTRALIANS thanks to "L.A. Confidential"


Sell! Sell! SELL!:
KEVIN COSTNER because of "The Postman"
SANDRA BULLOCK because of "Speed 2" & "In Love and War"


COULDA BEEN but wasn't:
"SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW" (became an explosion-fest in last reel)
"KISS THE GIRLS" (insultingly stock ending)
"THE GAME" (plot depends on hero being an moron)


Biggest MISTAKES:
Letting Costner helm "THE POSTMAN"
"SPEED 2" without Keanu Reeves
Everything about "BATMAN & ROBIN"


Joey Lauren Adams

Australians Russell Crowe & Guy Pearce
Gimmicks BEATEN TO DEATH:
PUT UPON WORKING CLASS BRITS, ala "The Van," "The Full Monty" & "Brassed Off"
CREEP & KILLER heroes, ala "Larry Flynt...," "Grosse Pointe Blank," "Donnie Brasco" & "Kissed"
BUGS, ala "Mimic," "Starship Troopers," "Joe's Apartment" & "Men in Black"
INCEST, ala "The House of Yes," "The Sweet Hereafter," "U-Turn" & "A Thousand Acres"

IRONIC double feature:
"Chasing Amy" & "All Over Me" (lesbian themes)


Best Mindless EYE CANDY:
"THE FIFTH ELEMENT"


Stupidest STUNT:
The 747 BARREL ROLL in "Turbulence"


REYNOLDS WRAP Award:
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
for "Batman & Robin"


Best uses of
RIDICULOUSLY HUGE budgets:

"TITANIC"
"CONTACT"


Biggest EGO VEHICLES:
"AUSTIN POWERS" (Mike Myers)
"THE FIFTH ELEMENT" (Luc Besson)
"MAD CITY" (Travolta AND Hoffman)


Most in need of a NEW AGENT:
EDDIE MURPHY, WESLEY SNIPES
&The CAST of "FRIENDS"


WAY Over-rated:
"FACE/OFF"
"MEN IN BLACK"
"SHALL WE DANCE"


Way UNDERRATED:
"THE PEACEMAKER"
"MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN..."

Best Performance by a THAWED CORPSE:
DESMOND LLEWELYN in "Tomorrow Never Dies"


Best special EFFECTS:
DEMI MOORE'S BREASTS in "G.I. Jane"
The TITANIC in "Titanic"


CRAYONS & CRAFT PAPER award
(worst special effects):

"AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS"


Worst HAIR:
GARY OLDMAN in "The Fifth Element"
NICHOLAS CAGE in "Con Air"


Guest speakers for SCENE STEALING 101:
TIMOTHY HUTTON in "Playing God"
BART THE BEAR in "The Edge"


OK, OK you're great.
Now GET LOST for a while:

JOHN TRAVOLTA
DUSTIN HOFFMAN
JOHN MALKOVICH


Take it DOWN A NOTCH:
ROBIN WILLIAMS in "Father's Day" & "Flubber"
CHRIS TUCKER in "The Fifth Element"


Most WRONG for a Period Drama:
MATTHEW McCONAUGHAY in "Amistad"


Best TRAILERS:
"GODZILLA"
"TITANIC"


James Spader & Deborah Kara Unger

WEIRDEST SEX Scenes:
MOLLY PARKER & A PASSIVE STIFF in "Kissed"
MARK WAHLBERG & HIMSELF in "Boogie Nights"
JAMES SPADER & EVERYBODY in "Crash"


BIG DUH Award:
Why didn't the lava flow down the side streets in "VOLCANO"?


IRONIC DIALOGUE award:
A monosyllabic lackey repeating "BOMB...BOMB...BOMB..." in "Batman & Robin"

Best CATCH PHRASE:
"FUHGETABOUTIT!" from "Donnie Brasco"


Best BADDIE:
JONATHAN PRYCE in "Tomorrow Never Dies"


$3 PLOT award:
"FACE/OFF"


Best GAY SIDEKICK:
RUPERT EVERETT in "My Best Friend's Wedding"


The paid just to SHOW UP award:
HARRISON FORD
in "The Devil's Own" & "Air Force One"


Best GADGET not in a Bond movie:
The CAMERA OBSCURA in "Addicted to Love"


How much were those ACTING LESSONS?
KEANU REEVES, "The Devil's Advocate"


WHAT the hell?
"CRASH"
"LOST HIGHWAY"
"KISSED"


Worst performance, INADVERTENT:
PRESIDENT CLINTON via CGI effects in "Contact"


TOO MUCH technology award:
President Clinton via CGI effects in "CONTACT"


Other 1997 year-end stuff: The Best & Worst of 1997 & The 1997 Oscar Pages







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