About this time every year we like to fantasize about stealing the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences ballots like a San Francisco poll worker, taking over the Oscar broadcast, and giving those little gold men to the filmmakers and actors who really deserve them.

If we weren't such upstanding citizens, this is how things would shake out on March 25, 2002:

Best PICTURE

"Amélie"
Runner up:
"Memento"

Best DIRECTOR

Jean-Pierre Jeunet, "Amélie"

Best ACTOR

Billy Bob Thornton, "The Man Who Wasn't There," "Monster's Ball" & "Bandits"

Runners up:
Jake Gyllenhaal, "Donnie Darko" & "Bubble Boy"
Benjamin Bratt, "Pinero"

Best ACTRESS

Naomi Watts, "Mulholland Drive"

Runner up:
Nicole Kidman, "The Others"

Best SUPPORTING ACTOR

Ben Kingsley, "Sexy Beast"

Runners up:
Tony Shalhoub, "The Man Who Wasn't There"
Jude Law, "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence"
Paul Bettany, "A Knight's Tale"
Tony Goldwyn, "An American Rhapsody"

Best SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Cate Blanchett, "The Shipping News" & "Bandits"

Runners up:
Mika Boorem, "Hearts in Atlantis" & "Along Came a Spider"
Nastassja Kinski, "An American Rhapsody"

Best ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

"Amélie," Guillaume Laurant & Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Runner up:
"Donnie Darko"

Best ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

"Hedwig & the Angry Inch," John Cameron Mitchell

Runner up:
"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

SPECIALTY Best Film categories

Animated Feature:
"Waking Life"

Documentary:
"Startup.com"

Foreign Language (Other than "Amélie"):
"No Man's Land"

TECHNICAL ("hard") categories

Cinematography:
"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

Editing:
"Iris"

Sound Design & Sound Effects Editing:
"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

Visual effects:
"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

ARTISTIC ("soft") categories

Art Direction:
Tie:
"Amélie"
"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"
"Moulin Rouge"

Costumes:
"Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

Makeup:
"Planet of the Apes"

MUSIC categories

Score:
"Amélie"

Song:
What an idiotic category.